Recipe for a Donald
Serving Size: 1 Litre
Cooking Time: 4 Years
1. In a large skillet, melt a generous portion of Jacksonian populism (clarifying, not necessary.)
2. Coat a yuuge slab of T Rex’s grandiosity with a glaze of Taft’s ample appetite.
3. On the side, whip up Wilson’s fears over Espionage and Sedition.
4. Grate a generous amount of Harding’s embroilment in scandal, stir and Make It Grate, Again.
5. At this point, traditionally, one measures out a serving of Coolidge’s relish for the laissez-faire, but for now set this aside for decoration.
6. Combine remaining constituents in skillet and thicken with Hoover’s protectionism.
7. Sauté until tender to the press.
8. In a crucible, mash a pinch of FDR’s one-on-one charm and a dash of his hypomanic policy-making with a touch of Truman’s nuclear-trigger finger.
9. Trickle down a few drops of Ike’s pro-business solutions.
10. Carefully stir the above into a marinade of JFK’s womanizing (by this point should be saucy.)
11. Cover up and check for leaks.
12. Let stew over night (expect some sourness to set in.) And don’t forget to leave the Sean Spicer out to dry.
13. The next morning, strain out liquidity.
14. Inject with LBJ’s crassness for acidity.
15. Apply a mixed rub of Nixon’s chip-on-his-shoulder and his
fermenting paranoia in a froth of lies.
16. Then transfer to roast in the oven at Fahrenheit 451°s in order to smoke out disloyalty.
17. Once a tanned orange hue, return to pot. Add a splash of Carter’s tart self-righteousness with a Reagan zest for the camera-ready and the ready cameras.
18. Raise to a high flame, bring to a Washington bubble and reduce to Ford’s knowledge of Poland (if out, Ukraine will substitute fine.)
19. Sweeten with a good deal of George H. W. Bush’s desire for compromise over a sieve, making sure to separate out his dignity.
20. Garnish with a healthy heaping of Clinton’s impulsiveness. (Remember to put aside a can of impeachment for later.)
21. Season to taste with George W.’s one-time nuttiness over Vladimir Vladimirovich.
22. And finish with a side of Obama’s skewered plans over crushed hope and change.
23. (Hillary bitters optional.)